New and Improved Christmas

Who needs Jesus when you can have Pikachu? Only $49.99!

Published on December 8, 2004 By messybuu In Current Events

While browsing channels, I happened upon "A Charlie Brown Christmas." I enjoyed Peanuts as a child, so I decided to watch it. That was a mistake! Not only did they air vile words such as "God," but they even described Christmas as a celebration of the birth of Christ! They even spoke of being religious as a virtue! How could such an offensive program be aired on television? And to claim that a woman's breast at a Super Bowl is offensive? Boy, was I pissed!

When I revived from my heart attack, I realized something that prevented a second one. Sure, "A Charlie Brown Christmas" might be offensively religious, but such Christmas specials are extinct nowadays. You won't hear about Jesus and other religious bullshit on animated Christmas specials today. They're too busy pimping new merchandise for spoiled children to throw tantrums over! Gotta buy new limited edition Santa Pikachu for a special price of only $49.99 to be a true Pokemon Judokai Master! If your parents love you, they'll buy you two!

It's satisfying to know that religion is almost completely out of Christmas and consumerism is the demon seed that will replace it. Everybody loves Wal-Mart, right? Boy, Christmas sure has evolved from its primitive Christian roots.* I can't wait until they whore Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

* I know somebody will mention that many of the practices synonymous with Christmas today originated with Pagans, but that's not the point. Might as well point out that limited edition Santa Pikachu is only $49.95.

Comments

iamheather

on Dec 08, 2004

Now that's my kind of sarcasm.

philomedy

on Dec 08, 2004

The whoring of Christmas is truly sad. I'm not particularly religious, and that includes money worship.

Dr Guy

on Dec 08, 2004

They had a new Charley Brown Christmas Special on last night (they ran them back to back). I did not know they were still creating them.

shadesofgrey

on Dec 08, 2004

Hilarious piece, messybuu.

I'm off to get me a limited edition Santa Pikachu!

iamheather

on Dec 08, 2004

Nowadays i shop on the net, no muss, no fuss, and the few extra bucks i pay for shipping is well worth the relief from the maddening crowds

Me, too, LW. I totally agree.

Rightwinger

on Dec 09, 2004

I'm just glad they're still showing "Charlie Brown Christmas"....that way, at least one of the "holiday" shows mentions the "Reason for Season".

Messybuu, you are a master of modern sarcasm. Great article.

Remember the '80s, when all the cartoons seemed to be nothing more than extended, serialized commercials for action figures, dolls or some other kind of toy? GI Joe, Masters of the Universe, Cabbage Patch Kids, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite, My Little Pony, Teddy Ruxpin, Transformers, Thundercats? I guess things haven't changed a whole lot in 20 years. Some of those toys are even making a comeback today.
I know.....this has nothing to do with the topic in question, but it still occurred to me somewhere in there. Sorry; didn't mean to hijack.

baublebouche

on Dec 09, 2004

$50 for a stuffed yellow eye-sore is bad enough, but 50-smackers for an eyesore sporting Santawear. I'm way too young to start the "remember when" saga, but heck, remember when dolls that cost a buck-fifty to manufacture cost 5-bucks? 50-bucks buys 100 bowls of mighty tasty noodle soup around here. Have toys always been so dumb?

Rightwinger

on Dec 09, 2004

Have toys always been so dumb?

I don't think so......toys used to be based on tv shows and movies and such; now it's the other way around. Since the 80s, really, come to think of it. There were exceptions to this, though.
Anyone remember "Stretch Armstrong"?

What was the point of that toy? You pulled it and stretched it.......so? You couldn't do anything else with it. It couldn't stand on its own or hold anyting (it's "hands" were little blobs of rubberized something or other that looked like ole Stretch had had his fingers burned off in a fire).
Once kids got tired of pulling it in all different directions, they usually took a knife and cut it open to see what was inside.I was wondering...do Tonka trucks still exist? I used to have lots of those. If they do, are they still made of sheet metal?

Gideon MacLeish

on Dec 09, 2004

tonka trucks still exist, yes, but most are, like every other "American" toy (made by your favorite Indonesian sweatshop worker, of course), most Tonkas are now plastic, ironic since most plastics are made of...umm, petroleum based products!

Rightwinger

on Dec 09, 2004

How sad......I always liked the way they rusted and scratched. Made them look like the real thing!

jeblackstar

on Dec 09, 2004

And the lockjaw was oh so fun!

Cheers

on Dec 09, 2004

That's a understatement, messybuu.

Rightwinger

on Dec 09, 2004

And the lockjaw was oh so fun!

As long as you had your tetanus shot, you were good to go!

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