Despite the glaring similarities between the two major political candidates in this year's election, the nation has never been as divided as it is now. Some see the election between John F. Kerry and George W. Bush as the ultimate battle between good and evil, respectively. To them, the wrong decision might ignite the apocalypse.

I'm not one of those individuals though. Voting for the "wrong" candidate won't significantly harm my life, which is why John F. Kerry doesn't automatically receive my support. My vote will be decided as all my other insignificant decisions are: democratically. I'll support whomever my friends support and my enemies oppose. My friends consist mainly of Democrats, but they aren't enthusiastic about voting for Kerry. My enemies, on the other hand, consist mainly of liberals and are nearly worshipping him, which is why I will probably vote for George W. Bush. His victory would piss off my enemies more than my friends. George W. Bush doesn't have my unconditional support though. If a supporter of Kerry gave me a material incentive to vote for him, Bush would no longer even be considered.

What's material incentive? Sexual intercourse with a beautiful woman. For a few hours of sexual service, I'd guarantee Kerry my vote. Not only would I vow to vote for Kerry in a legally binding contract, but I'd offer active support to his campaign and convince everybody I know to vote for him.

What I demand for my support is modest when you consider the stakes. For a couple hours of sexual intercourse or, if you're either male or ugly, a few thousand dollars for the sexual services of a beautiful prostitute, you could guarantee the world's longevity. People have sacrificed their own lives for far less. To save the world with a tiny sacrifice of a couple hours or a few thousand dollars is a bargain that only the most selfish cretins would reject, and I know that the fate of humanity is more important to you than your self-respect or your bank account. Hell, it's easier than recycling.

The endgame is near and the forces of good and evil are evenly matched. If you want to spare the world four more years of George W. Bush, then take action and (if you're a beautiful woman without STDs) have sex with me or (if you're male, fat, skanky, and/or ugly) give me the money to have sex with a sexy (hopefully virgin) slut. It's a small price to pay for the safety of humanity.

If you're interested, simply email me and we'll discuss the details.